There are three characters that you must have if you want to have a happier marriage. These three characters are the three pillar that holds marriage and keeps it standing against the onslaughts of the enemy. The three characters are the godly behaviors that couples must apply daily to their marriage to make it better and happier.

The importance of having and applying these three characters is to give a defense to your marriage, strengthens and empowers it and keeps it in a good healthy balance. As the foundation is important to a building so also are these three characters are important in building a happier marriage.

 KILL THE BLAME MONSTER.

Blaming is a subtle monster that has entered many marriages and gradually eating them up. When was the last time you told your spouse, “it is all my fault, am sorry, please forgive me? Are you in the habit of looking for a way to pile whole blame on your spouse? In the beginning, blaming looks harmless but over time, it grows and eats up the joy and happiness of the marriage.

For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work. James 3:16. Blaming brings strife and strife gives an opening for every work of the devil. It is what you want for your marriage? Blaming will bring to your marriage negative things that you can never imagine. Avoid it!

Blaming destroyed the first marriage

What brought about the fall of the first marriage? (The first marriage was between Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden). The quick answer will be that it was Eve ate the fruit from the tree that God told them not to eat. Then what happened? Adam started blaming Eve (he also indirectly blamed God. Eve blamed the serpent. None of them accepted the responsibility of what happened not to mention apologizing to God for their disobedience.

Ask yourself what could have happened if Adam and Eve had asked God for forgiveness rather than blaming other people except themselves?

Kill the blame monster and have a happier marriage.

Blaming has never brought anything good in any relationship. Maybe this has been the main reason why things are not working out well in your marriage relationship. Think about this and plan for adjustment. Change your manner of approach. Blaming is never the best; it brings strife and a whole lot of negativity with it. Marriage.

Think about what your relationship will be like without blame. Blaming is simply saying it is not my fault but yours. If your spouse is saying the same thing, whose fault is it? If both of you are right in, how then will there be a solution? This will never solve anything. Starting with yourself. If you are wrong, you know. Don’t defend yourself or blame your spouse rather say; “it is my fault, I am sorry, please forgive me. This will make a marriage happier.

DETERMINE TO BE BETTER.

For you are still only baby Christians, controlled by your desires, not God’s. When you are jealous of one another and divide up into quarreling groups, doesn’t that prove you are still babies, wanting your own way? In fact, you are acting like people who don’t belong to the Lord at all.

1 Corinthians 3:3

The child grew and developed in body and spirit. He lived in the desert until the day when he appeared publicly to the people of Israel. Luke 1:80

Positive changes and self-improvements are an integral part of the marriage relationship. You are not expected to be at the same level of behavior that was when you get married to your spouse. Everything around you demands that you keep on improving yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually and this requires high-level determination and discipline.

James Allen said; “Man is a growth by law and not a creation by artifice, and cause and effect is as absolute and undeviating in the hidden realm of thought as in the world of visible and material things. A noble and Godlike character is not a thing of favor or chance, but is the natural result of continued effort in right thinking, the effect of long-cherished association with Godlike thoughts. An ignoble and bestial character, by the same process, is the result of the continued harboring of groveling thoughts.

 

RAISE THE BAR OF LIMITATION.

Don’t place any form of limitation on yourself because it is a sign of inferiority or superiority complex. Any form of limitation will affect the happiness of the marriage. Raising the bar is a must-have character for a happier marriage. It means a willingness for improvement.

These are four cardinal areas of improvement that are required from you if you want to have a happier marriage.

1. Physical improvement. You are expected to keep improving on your body structure and eating (healthy) habit.
2. Emotional improvement. Keep building and keeping your intimacy with your spouse glowing.
3. Financial improvement. Don’t be a liability to your spouse and marriage. Make sure you are contributing positively to the financial upliftment of the marriage.
4. Spiritual improvement: Don’t lose or stagnate the fire. Keep on improving towards spiritual maturity.

 You Can Do All Things.

Devil wants you to focus on your weakness and inability and conclude that there is nothing you can do. But God wants you to develop the character of always focusing on his ability in you to have a happier marriage. He wants you to have the character of looking at a challenge and say I will overcome it because God’s ability is in me. This is the type of character that builds a happier marriage because it energizes and motivates and equips you to go out with the mindset of I can do it.

I Can Get Better.

Concentrate on doing your best for God, work you won’t be ashamed of, laying out the truth plain and simple. 2 Timothy 2:15. You can learn anything! Don’t be stagnant in knowledge. Learn anything that you know that will be of benefit to your marriage.

As a wife learn how to cook new dishes; learn to look good always; just do the best of what you can do. Learn those things that will make your husband happier and subsequently bring a happier marriage. The same applies to you as a man. Improve on your caring and loving skills. Continuously improve on your romance and sex skills; learn to do some house chores; things like this will make your wife happier.

 

SPEAK THE RIGHT WORD.

You will have to live with the consequences of everything you say. 21 What you say can preserve life or destroy it; so you must accept the consequences of your words.

Proverbs 18:20-21

Curses and blessings out of the same mouth! My friends, this can’t go on. 11 A spring doesn’t gush fresh water one day and brackish the next, does it? 12 Apple trees don’t bear strawberries, do they? Raspberry bushes don’t bear apples, do they? You’re not going to dip into a polluted mud hole and get a cup of clear, cool water, are you? James 3:10-12

Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit. Proverbs 15:4

Speaking the right words is a character that you must develop if you want to have a happier marriage. Stop being careless with words most especially when you are speaking to your spouse.

Marriage starts with the word; it is sustained with the word and it is destroyed with the word. Your words can build your spouse and it can kill your spouse. Read my post titled: I Did Not Kill My Spouse; I Only Spoke A Word.

Let Your Word Be In Grace.

Let the words that come from your mouth speak hope, love, and enthusiasm to your spouse. Learn to build up good emotional deposits through the words you speak to your spouse. Let your word put a smile on his/her free and bring him/her hope and peace subsequently making your marriage happier.

Your marriage will not survive on trial and errors or on unestablished assumptions until you acquire and develop the seven habits that guarantee a successful marriage. These seven habits are patterns of behavior given by God to be used in the marriage relationship to help couples make their marriages what he created it to be which is Jesus centered marriage. A successful marriage must run on divinely established habits which I summed and call the seven habits that guarantee a successful marriage.

Developing the seven habits that guarantee a successful marriage relationship is very important because you are into marriage to have and enjoy the best of marriage. You are not into marriage to experience pains, sorrows, disappointments, heartbreaks or divorce. These seven habits will help you to overcome any form of negative experience that your marriage is into.

The process of developing the seven habits that guarantee a successful marriage is not easy; that is why it requires a strong and burning desire, high-level life of discipline and rugged determination; above all it also requires complete trust in the power of the Holy Spirit. But the good news is that you can do it.

 

THE SEVEN HABITS ARE:

1. Self Analysis
2. Patience
3. Control words
4. Quiet time
5. Glowing intimacy
6. Forgiving spirit
7. Money management skills (MMS)

 

SELF ANALYSIS.

My marriage made a 180 degrees turnaround from a negative path to a positive path the day God told me that I am the problem of my marriage and not my wife. That revelation was the push I needed to go deep into self-analysis and subsequently a lunch into the process of continual improvement in my marriage.

 Matthew 7:1-5.

“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults — unless, of course, you want the same treatment. 2 That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. 3 It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. 4 Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your face is distorted by contempt? 5 It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.

 

You must understand yourself.

Acquiring and understanding the habit of understanding yourself will unlock a lot of good doors in your marriage. When it settled on me that I was the cause of my marital problems, the first fault I discovered about myself was that I believed that my wife will never make a statement without offending me. This was a lie but I choose to believe it and it was causing a lot of friction in my marriage. The moment I called it a lie, things began to change for better between me and my wife.

 

It takes you to save your marriage.

Before God spoke to me, I was thinking that my marriage will change for better if my wife changes. The Holy Spirit helped me to found out that it was a lie. An unchanged person cannot change any person. If I don’t change, my wife will not change and our marriage will not change.

It takes you to save your marriage. What you need is to make positive changes to yourself. A change in your behavior will lead to a change in the behavior of your spouse. Marriage begins to get better when couples are willing and ready to make the needed adjustments, needed changes and stick to the requirements and discipline of progressive improvement.

 

Take a self-audit.

Take a frank and wholistic look at yourself. How do you communicate with your spouse? How are your romance and sexual relationship with your spouse? What will your spouse say about you when it comes to behavior, love, fellowship, friendship, recreation, etc.

 

PATIENCE.

Patience is one of the habits that guarantee a successful marriage because the bible said that when your patience (enduring ability) develops, that you are going to be perfect needing nothing (James 1:4). Stop expecting perfection from your imperfect spouse. Lower your standard and take it easy. Your spouse cannot meet up with your expectations overnight. You cannot also become the best in one day; therefore all you need is to be patient to yourself and your spouse because two of you are not perfect.

Patience is a habit that you and your spouse must have because without it marriages crash and end in divorce. Don’t be too hard on yourself because you are not living up to your expectation or your spouse because she/he is not living up to your expectation, rather prayerful endure and continue doing the best of what you can do and the desired or expected result will begin to come in’

 

CONTROLLED WORDS.

An uncontrolled word or utterances will rock your marriage while a controlled word is a kind of habit that guarantees a successful marriage because it brings hope and love and expectation when spoken. Words are powerful; they can build, it can destroy therefore you must acquire and develop

Try as much as possible to avoid offensive, abusive, insulting and degrading words on your spouse. Don’t kill your spouse with your words. Remember two of you are one, you are in your spouse, and your spouse is in you. Accord her that respect that you want him/her to accord to you.

 

QUIET TIME.

Quiet time is the act of withdrawing to a secluded place alone to give a deep thought about yourself, your spouse or what is going on in your marriage. Marriages cannot survive without deep thinking from couples. Learn to think before taking action because this habit will help your marriage to be successful

Don’t be quick to judge or come to a conclusion on sensitive issues. Take out time and present the matter to Jesus. Listen to his voice (the easiest way to do this is through the study of the bible). Seek peace that helps to be in a balanced emotional state. The habit of quiet time is golden therefore discipline yourself to learn it because it is going to help your marriage.

1 Corinthians 10:13 said that God has provided a solution to every problem therefore, quiet time is the habit of shutting your mind from every form of distraction in search of a way out or what to do. God has provided a solution to every issue of life; don’t forget this. This habit of quiet time when mastered will guarantee a successful marriage.

 

GLOWING INTIMACY.

Many marriages hard crashed today because of a lack of intimacy. Where is the level of your marriage intimacy (on a scale of one hundred present)? Is intimacy in your marriage glowing or is it dim or has it gone out?

Glowing intimacy in a marriage is a process of bringing down everything that hinders interpersonal relationships and inculcating things that build up close and a warn relationship between couples. This is very important because lack of intimacy gives room for all forms of marital problems and nobody is in marriage to endure but everyone is in marriage to enjoy the best that marriage can offer.

I wrote a blog post title 10 steps to Growing an intimate marriage. What will you say about sex and romance between you and your spouse? Are you running a marriage without sex? Does your marriage have sex but without romance? What will you say about your spouse? Are you proud or ashamed of him/her?

Any marriage without the habit of glowing intimacy will not be successful therefore if you desire and want to have a successful marriage, you must build the habit of glowing intimacy in your marriage.

 

MASTER FORGIVENESS.

The habit of forgiving your spouse will keep your marriage fresh and evergreen. Forgiveness is one habit the when you learn and continually apply it, it will give you a better, happier and successful marriage.

Offload every garbage and flush it down the drain.

In 2014, I and my friend Pastor Thaddeus were mediating in a marital matter between two young couples. The young lady told us that she had a diary where she keeps a record of the wrong that her husband does to her with a date. What made the shock so intense to me was that she uses one half of that diary to records church sermons and messages and the other half to record the wrongs of her husband.

You might be saying that she went to the extreme; I agree with you. The bad news is that she is not the only person that does this because unforgiveness is so common in today’s marriages. Couples are keeping head or mind records of the wrongs done to them by their spouse as far back as their dating years. People like this can remember vividly a twenty-year-old offense done to them. These are habits are cancerous and will destroy you and your marriage.

 Forgiveness Will Give You A Successful Marriage.

Keeping a record of offenses done to you by your spouse will take your marriage down the destruction, pain, sorrow, disappointment, heartbreak and final death (divorce). I believe you don’t want any of these for your marriage. If you desire a successful marriage, you must develop the habit of forgiving your spouse always ( except when he/she commits the same offense 490 times in the same day) because this habit guarantees a successful marriage

 

MONEY MANAGEMENT SKILLS (MMS).

Money that comes easily disappears quickly, but the money that is gathered little by little will grow. Proverbs 13:11

A woman that I counseled in Orlu in Imo State told me that the major reason for the friction she was having with the husband was that her husband wants to know how much was her salary, and she vowed never to tell him. The reason was that there was no openness between them.

 There Must Be Openness.

Adam and Eve were naked and not ashamed before they were deceived. To be naked and not ashamed means that they were open and sincere; not hiding anything from each other. Hidden sin or interior motives impede openness in a marriage relationship. Finance and money management will always be an issue in any marriage were couples are hiding things from each.

Be open to your spouse always. This also is dependent on the maturity level of your spouse and the prevailing circumstance. For instance, Abraham did not tell Serah about sacrificing Isaac because she would never accept that. The bottom line is this; don’t have any skeleton in your cupboard.

 Learn And Plan Together.

Plan carefully and you will have plenty; if you act too quickly, you will never have enough. Proverbs 21:5

Have you attended a money management seminar or workshop with your spouse? Have you discussed anything you learn about financial management with your spouse? There is a need to

plan your finance together with your spouse. Make a budget together with your spouse. Two of you should be aware of the expected income and expenditure of the family. This type of habit ease tension and make the burden lighter for everybody and brings success to your marriage. This is working for me.

 Save And Invest Together.

Invest what you have in several different businesses because you don’t know what disasters might happen. Ecclesiastics 11:2

Accountability is put in place when couples save and invest together. Encourage your spouse on the importance of saving and investing together. This requires high-level discussion and communication most especially where couples have different ideologies on savings and investment. God made two of you be one therefore you are expected to have a lot of things in common.

 

 

To see your spouse from God’s perspective simply means to see the good, positive and hopeful side of your spouse even when they are not there with the understanding that everything that God made is good and that marriage is a good gift from God. One of the greatest undoings of many people is allowing circumstances, situations, challenges, events, places, and people to prevent them from seeing their spouse from God’s perspective and subsequently living their lives outside God’s purpose.  If you want to save your marriage or bring back that special spark in any relationship, start by learning how to manage your perception said, Daniel Dowling.

It is important to see your spouse from God’s perspective because you are who God said you are; your spouse is who God said he/she is and above all, your marriage is exactly what God makes it. Everything good comes from God. Every perfect gift is from him. These good gifts come down from the Father who made all the lights in the sky. But God never changes like the shadows from those lights. He is always the same.  James 1:17

God’s Word Is Eternal.

To be able to see your spouse from God’s perspective, you must hold the word of God at very high esteem. The word of God is not separate from God and the word of God lives forever and above all the word of God is very powerful and has the capacity to create and brings things to manifestation. The word of God is eternal therefore whatever the word said about your spouse is the truth and it is eternal.

The Integrity Of God’s Word

Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will not pass away. Matthew 24:33

The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. Isaiah 55:10-11

The circumstances of your marriage and your spouse; good or bad cannot change what God has made your marriage to be (the truth). For a batter marriage relationship, you must see your spouse from God’s perspective by believing that the truth (the word of God) is eternal and will remain eternal.

The truth is that you and your spouse are created by God in His image and after His likeness and that God put up your marriage for your own good. Every good and perfect gift comes from God. Marriage came from God, therefore, marriage is good and perfect including yours. These are truths from the bible and they are eternal.

 Your Spouse Is A Master Piece From God.

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 (NKJV).

How will you feel when you see a work that is carefully and wonderfully designed? Don’t you know that your spouse is a masterpiece; wonderfully and carefully made handiwork of God? Do you think that God will create something that will be one percent less from perfect? God took his time to tailor-made your spouse for you. You have to see your spouse from God’s perspective for a better marriage relationship. God created your spouse in Jesus Christ, and in Jesus Christ your spouse is complete; whole and entire lacking nothing.

Imagine what your marriage relationship will be like when you begin to see your spouse as been unique inside-out. There is power in imagination; the better the imagination (picture) of your spouse you have in your mind, the better your spouse will begin to become. Battle your mind and make it begin to see how wonderful your spouse is

 See Solution Even When It Seems Hopeless.

When you develop the habit of seeing your spouse from God’s perspective, you will be able to see the solution when situations look hopeless. There is power in the spoken word, and words are controlled by thoughts. This is why God wants you to see your spouse based on who he said he/she is because it is going to guide your words, deeds and actions towards your spouse (Colossians3:17).

You are created in the image and likeness of God therefore, God expects you to see hope and solution when things are not going well in your marriage relationship. Learn to speak a solution like God; speaks what you want to see into existence. In the beginning, the whole earth was without form and void. God spoke it into shape. Jesus said Lazarus was sleeping; let’s go and wake him – up. See solution because in Jesus you can do all things (Philippians4:17).

Depend On The Power Of The Holy Spirit

It will be difficult to always see your spouse from God’s perspective without the help of the Holy Spirit. Your own strength, ability, and capacity cannot do it. You need help and that help must be from the Spirit Of God, the word of God, and fellowship with God through prayer. God wants you to depend on him in all things including your relationship with your spouse.

Marriage is divine as well as a mystery and everything about it is God’s idea, therefore it can only be operated using the supernatural enablement that comes from the Holy Spirit. Trying to operate a supernatural thing with a natural ability will amount to putting a square peg in a round hole. It will not make a good match. It is the Holy Spirit that has the answer to every “How” in a marriage. You can’t understand God’s purpose, intention and plan for marriage without the Holy Spirit, therefore, depend on him to help you to see your spouse from God’s perspective.

 Be Careful Who You Hear From.

The type of association you keep, the information you get and counsel you receive will affect the way you perceive your spouse. Stop following the crowd. Be mindful of the counsel you take (from friends colleagues, social media, etc); they might destroy your marriage. Your marriage is better than some of those people that you want to take counsel from. Your marriage is unique. It is custom made just for you. Your wife was specially made by God for you and she is to satisfy you in all things. Your wife is unique. You cannot find her replica anywhere.

Stop desiring another man. Your husband is your perfect match. That thing you want from other men, your husband has the best of it. Adjust yourself to God’s demand and you will see that your husband is the best man that God has ever created. A whole lot of things are going to be in place if you can develop the habit of seeing your spouse from God’s perspective (Looking out for the best in your spouse.

 Conclusion.

To see your spouse from God’s perspective entails among other things the ability to see the solution in whatever that is going wrong in your marriage; to be positive-minded and have a positive expectation (18 For surely there is an end, and thine expectation shall not be cut off. Proverbs 23:18(KJV).

Be hopeful and be expectant. Speak solution and not complaining or murmuring. Act with the picture of victory in your mind. See your victory in Christ Jesus. Continue in it. Patiently wait on your expectations; it might take time, but patiently wait and continue to see your victory. In addition to patience, you must work in love. Faith works well in love.

 Warning!

There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death. Proverbs 16:25(NKJV). Seeing your spouse in your own perspective will not help your marriage; therefore if you want to enjoy the best marriage relationship, you MUST see your spouse from God’s perspective

 

The human desire for intimacy, for love, drives us to do things that we never thought we would. But why, and what does it mean to be intimate?

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:25

God created us first to have an intimate relationship with him and then with each other. Above all, he created a marriage with the intention that husband and wife should be naked and not ashamed (open and close to each other). Any marriage without the knowledge and understanding of the importance of growing intimacy has a high chance of collapsing.

Growing an intimate marriage is a process of bringing down everything that hinders interpersonal relationships and inculcating things that build up close and a warn relationship between couples. This is very important because lack of intimacy gives room for all forms of marital problems and nobody is in marriage to endure but everyone is in marriage to enjoy the best that marriage can offer.

 

10 Proven Steps To Grow Intimacy In Your Marriage.

Step 1: Understand That Your Differences Are From God

Your spouse can never be you and your spouse can never be exactly what you want him or her to be. You must embrace this bitter truth if you want to grow intimacy in your marriage. The fact that marriage is a mystery implies that neither marriage and elements of marriage (husband and wife) are superficial. They are deep and need to be well understood to achieve maximum effectiveness that is in marriage.

Step 2: Have A Positive Perception Of Your Spouse

It is a fundamental requirement in growing intimacy in marriage for the couples to have a positive perception of each other. Your spouse is a good gift to you because he/she is a product from God. God loves your spouse because he/she is made in the image and likeness of God, therefore, to grow an intimate marriage, you must learn to see your spouse as a good gift that comes from God (you cannot do this without the Holy Spirit).

Step 3: Understand That God wired you and your spouse differently.

You are wired differently from your spouse in many ways. The good news is that your differences no matter how many they are is not as important as to what you do with them.

What you don’t know might not benefit you until you understand it. Therefore you must make a conscious decision and effort to understand the chemistry and temperamental makeup of your spouse if you desire to grow an intimate marriage.

God did not use the same method in creating Adam and Eve. Yet they were naked and not ashamed until sin came in. The connecting force is in understanding that you are to complement each other. Intimacy comes when you understand the strength and weaknesses of your spouse and see it that it is for your advantage.

Step 4: Be Ready To Make An Ongoing Adjustment.

There are many reasons to make adjustments; some of them are; the difference in personality, the difference in temperament, different upbringing, you might grow up in a different environment, or come from a different cultural background. Other differences include ethnicity, religion, age, educational qualification and so on.

These and many more reasons call for an adjustment in your perception, behavior, and lifestyle. For this adjustment to be effective, you must consider your spouse first before you. Find out the areas of differences, things he/she likes that you don’t and start taking steps into blending into his/her. The goal is Not me but for my spouse. Go out of your comfort zone to do things just for your spouse.

Action like this draws out the best in your spouse; it sparks off better communication, empowers and grows affection and acceptance and breaks invisible walls that hinder intimacy and usher in growing intimacy in the marriage.

Step 5: Understand Who Your Spouse is?

The power of communication is in understanding and communication is the life wire of marriage because, without good functional communication, there will be no growth in intimacy. You cannot communicate well with your spouse if you don’t understand who he/she is and when there is no good communication, there will be no growth in intimacy.

Growing an intimate marriage means that couples have been able to discover and understand who they are to a point of complimenting each other to produce the balance that is needed in the marriage. Understanding is what brings balance and balance is an indication that the couples are growing in intimacy.

You must be intentional in understanding your spouse. Don’t be careless or nonchalant about it. Take your time to observe and study your spouse. Find out the things he/she likes or does not like. Know his hobbies and preferences. This is very important because without it, growing an intimate marriage will be very difficult.

Step 6: Be passionate about your Spouse

One night as I lay in bed, I yearned for my lover. I yearned for him, but he did not come. 2 So I said to myself, “I will get up and roam the city, searching in all its streets and squares. I will search for the one I love.” So I searched everywhere but did not find him. 3 The watchmen stopped me as they made their rounds, and I asked, “Have you seen the one I love?” 4 Then scarcely had I left them when I found my love! I caught and held him tightly, then I brought him to my mother’s house, into my mother’s bed, where I had been conceived.

Song Of Solomon 3:1-4

You cannot grow an intimate marriage without been passionate about your spouse. How emotionally are you attached to your spouse? Your emotional attachment and feelings for your spouse is supposed to be strong to the extent that you cannot do without him. The lover in the Song Of Solomon cannot stay without the spouse. He went out in search of her until he found her. Go all out to be attached and united to your spouse. Search for it until you found it.

Passion opens the heart of your spouse. There is nothing that brings a commitment to a relationship as the presence of passion. Passion attracts, it motivates and empowers risk-taking. You will get the best of your spouse if he/she is convinced that you are passionate about him/her.

Step 7: Do the Love

My children, our love should not be only words and talk. No, our love must be real. We must show our love for the things we do. 1 John 3:18

Growing an intimate marriage is action-oriented.

Your action to your spouse in your heart that your spouse is seeing. Let your spouse see your love through your words and your actions. The best way to do the love that will help in growing an intimate marriage is to discover your law in marriage and keep it.

Two laws govern the marriage relationship. One is to the man and the other to the woman. The husband is to love the wife. The wife is to be submissive to the husband. Read more of it in chapter two of Jesus Kind Of Marriage.

Step 8: Forgive Before The Offence.

Unforgiveness will not help in the growth of an intimate marriage. These are some of its dangers the marriage

• Unforgiveness brings about separation (Proverbs 17:9 NLT).
• It exposes a marriage to all forms of satanic manipulations, delay, and denial (Matthew 18:34).
• Prayers are hindered by unforgiveness (1Peter 3:7 NLT).
• Unforgiveness brings emotional torture.
• You cannot win the race of marriage with unforgiveness.
• Above all. unforgiveness gives the devil an in-road into marriages.

Abhor unforgiveness and cling unto forgiveness. It is for your own good. It is for the good of your marriage and above it is what God wants you to do. Forgiveness restores a relationship and grows intimacy in marriage. Learn to say, I was wrong; I am sorry, please forgive me.

Step 9: Sex

 

Sex is a bonding force when it is well applied in marriage. It strengthens the bond of love between husband and wife, it brings closeness and oneness and has a way of uniting the heart of the couples there helping to bring about growth in intimacy between couples. Couples are not to neglect the place of physical attraction; for it is the fuel that powers sexual desire.

Sex is not a thing to be trivialized in marriage if you want to grow an intimate marriage because it is a very important part of marriage. Marriage without good and functional sexual life is not a working marriage. It is a marriage that is tending towards extension. Sex is a very core part of marriage therefore, value it, cherish it and appreciate it and know more about it.

Step 10: Fellowship together

Growing an intimate marriage demands that you and your spouse must create time to do things together. I have separated these activities into four cardinal parts to create balance and effectiveness in the marriage. These parts are

• Emotional fellowship (sex, love-notes, outing, send gifts, celebrating special dates, etc).
• Mental fellowship (Sharing ideas, knowledge, and information, attend seminars, watching or listen to life-transforming videos or tapes, etc).
• Physical fellowship (Exercises, decide on good eating habits and follow it).
• Spiritual fellowship (Prayer, daily devotion, attending the same church, etc).

Doing the above activities and many more together will help in growing an intimate marriage.

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And Jesus said, “The things that make people wrong are the things that come from the inside. All these bad things begin inside a person, in the mind: bad thoughts, sexual sins, stealing, murder, adultery, greed, doing bad things to people, lying, doing things that are morally wrong, jealousy, insulting people, proud talking, and foolish living. These evil things come from inside a person. And these are the things that make people unacceptable to God.”
Mark 7:20-23 (ERV).

Heart here in Greek is called ‘Koran’. Its primary root meaning is “the thoughts or feelings (mind)”. It also stands for man’s entire mental and moral activity, both the rational and emotional elements.

Guide your mind and have a wonderful marriage! How simple it sounds but understanding it will go a long way in making your marriage better. A guided mind will lead to a wonderful marriage while an unguided mind will bring disaster in any marriage.

Before I got married to my wife, I had this mindset that her words are always sarcastic. It is true? No. But my mind had captured it that way and it began to work so negatively in my marriage. I can’t have a good discussion with her because I will always see something wrong in whatever she says. This singular thought patter caused a lot of damage to our communication. But thanks to Jesus who took me and began to teach me relational tactics. Our communication is getting better daily.  

 

Your Thought Is What Determines What Your Marriage Will Be Like.                                                                        

23 Above all, be careful what you think because your thoughts control your life. Proverbs 4:23 (ERV). 23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Proverbs 4:23 (NLT).

“Man is made or unmade by himself; in the armory of thought he forges the weapons by which he destroys himself; he also fashions the tools with which he builds for himself heavenly mansions of joy and strength and peace. By the right choice and true application of thought, man ascends to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descends below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master”. As a man thinks

Your life is shaped by your thought. The way you relate with your spouse in any manner (be it sex, communication, appreciation; anything) is shaped by your thought this why you must guide your mind if you want a wonderful marriage.

If you can have your mind transformed to see your marriage the way Jesus made it; to talk about marriage, your spouse and your family based on what Jesus said even when they are contrary, it is a matter of time before your marriage will begin to become Christ-like. From experience, I have found out that I get better in my relationship with my wife as my mind gets renewed and as I think of her positive attributes. The principle is: focus on the strength of your spouse.

 How to guide your heart. 

 James Allen said “A man should conceive of a legitimate purpose in his heart, and set out to accomplish it. He should make this purpose the centralizing point of his thoughts. It may take the form of a spiritual ideal, or it may be a worldly object, according to his nature at the time being; but whichever it is, he should steadily focus his thought forces upon the object which he has set before him. He should make this purpose his supreme duty and should devote himself to its attainment, not allowing his thoughts to wander away into ephemeral fancies, longings, and

imaginings. This is the royal road to self-control and true concentration of thought. Even if he fails again and again to accomplish his purpose (as he necessarily must until weakness is overcome), the strength of character gained will be the measure of his true success, and this will form a new starting point for future power and triumph”.

 Focus on the strength of your spouse.

8 And now, brothers, as I close this letter, let me say this one more thing: Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely, and dwell on the fine, good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about. Philippians 4:8 (TLB).

8 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious — the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4:8 (MSG).

Your spouse is not completely bad and he/she will never be. That challenging situation will fizzle if you can discipline yourself and be consistent in guiding your mind to focus on the strengths of your spouse. Your responsibility is to focus on the positive side and the strength of your spouse always these attitudes of intentionally guiding your mind to see the positive is what will make your marriage wonderful.

Relate To This Story…

Ten out of the twelve men that went to spy the land of Jericho in the book of Numbers chapters 13 and 14 saw insurmountable obstacles that will not allow them to possess the land that God ‘had’ given them. But two men, Joshua and Caleb show opportunity (Numbers 14:6-9). Why are there conflicting reports on the same scenario? The answer is the state of their mind determines how they perceive things. What are you seeing in your spouse?

 There are lots of good things about your spouse. Be at peace on your inside; refresh your mind and look in-ward you will see that your spouse is wonderful and fearfully made. If you can see his/her positive traits and strengths, in your mind, you then you can see them outside. Think about them, pray about them and speak to them and you will see them.

Put your trust in the lord.

Trust the Lord completely, and don’t depend on your own knowledge. With every step you take, think about what the Lord wants, and he will help you go the right way. Don’t trust in your own wisdom, but fear and respect the Lord and stay away from evil. If you do this, it will be like a refreshing drink and medicine for your body. Proverbs 3:5-8 (ERV).

By your own strength, ability, and expertise, you can do little or nothing in any ugly situation (John 15:5). Why not look unto Jesus who is the bridegroom of the entire churches and learn from him (Matthew 11:28-30). When your mind is focused on Jesus, when you develop the habit and culture of trusting him always, He will give you peace in your mind. When your heart is peaceful, you can hear better, you can understand better and you can communicate and act better.

 In   Matthew 14:28-31, when peter’s heart was focused on Jesus, he was walking on water but when his heart (focus) was shifted from Jesus to the boisterous wind, he began to sink. As long as your focus and trust are on Jesus, be rest assured that your marriage will never sink no matter how boisterous the domestic storm seems to be. As a matter of truth, Jesus had perfected your marriage more than 2000 years ago.  Trust Jesus with your marriage and He will give you your heart desire. If not Jesus, my marriage could have ended long ago. Thanks be to Jesus who is continually maturing me in the act of marriage.

Conclusion.

Guide your mind and have a wonderful marriage. Start by offloading every form of negative deposits in your mind; do away with them because they are cancerous to your marriage. Start feeding and filling your mind with the best side of your spouse because it is good for your marriage.