Understanding the causes of conflict is the first step in conflict resolution because a problem known is a problem half solved. Conflict can not be permanently resolved if the root cause of the problem is not known. Diagonizing and discovering the reason or the why of conflict is not to witch hunt any of the parties involved rather is the first step to finding a lasting solution.

In this small write-up, I want to throw some light on the causes of conflict because knowing and understanding the reason behind conflict will help you in handling it in such a way that it will benefit you and your partner.
These are two basic causes of conflict in any kind of relationship, they are (i) Self-centeredness and (ii) Pride.

The First Cause Of Conflict: Self Centeredness.

Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desires that make war inside you. James 4:1 ERV
Self–centeredness simply means the attitude of being not interested in want happens to others; am only concerned with what am suppose to gain.

Marrian Webster dictionary defined it as; “concerned solely with one’s own desires, needs, or interests”.

Self-centeredness is an indication of carnality; that is life in the flesh; a life that is not guided by the love of God. It is a sign that the love of God is not fully operational in a person’s life. Love of God (Seeking the benefit of your spouse first) is the direct opposite of self-centeredness.

If you are easily irritable or piss-offed, that is an indication of self –centeredness. But when you are operating in the love of God, it will be difficult for anything to piss you off.

There are two arms of self-centeredness; they are non-compatibility and, immaturity/inflexibility.

a) We are not compatible!
The expression; “We are incompatible has often appeared in almost all divorce cases and always available in almost all the conflicts that exist in marriages.
The truth is that people are not compatible because there no two people that are the same. Though you are not the same as your spouse, you can choose to fit yourself into the relationship. All that it requires of you are adjustment, tolerance, acceptance, and above all the understanding of the truth that nobody is perfect.
Stop expecting your spouse to think, behave and act like you. Two of you are never the same. According to the bible, you and your spouse came together and become one. Which implies that you complimented each other to become one. Marriage is the coming together of two different people who have different upbringing, orientation, and belief systems, and the no way two of you can be the same.

Understanding this concept is key in fighting conflict in relationships. somebody said that “A true relationship is two imperfect people refusing to let go of each other.” To avoid unnecessary conflict, you must let go of the chase of compatibility; and leverage on your strengths while managing each other’s weaknesses.

b) Immaturity and inflexibility
The primary ingredients of all marital conflicts are immaturity and inflexibility (intolerance). Studies have shown that immaturity and inflexibility cause more harm in a marriage relationship than incompatibility. Immaturity has caused the death of many marriages than all other factors put together.

Maturity is the key to a successful marriage! Therefore GROW-UP! Make growth, discipline, and consistent self-development a habit and lifestyle. Choose between humbling yourself by paying the price for growth and maturity and seeing your marriage dead!

God loves varieties and that is why you are different from your spouse. If there is no difference between you and your spouse, if two of you are all the same, the marriage relation will one day become boring because growth and personal development will be hindered. But the greater your difference, the greater your potential for growth (please understand this and strive to consistently improve yourself).

The more you understand people (their circumstances, their background, their temperament and views (their belief system) the more patient and flexible you are going to be with them. People don’t change easily, therefore learn to be patient and flexible.

You have different backgrounds and orientations with your spouse including different temperaments and yet you want him/her to behave exactly the way you want. This will always lead to conflict.
It will be to your advantage if you stop being judgmental because there is a huge difference between your belief system and that of your spouse.

Maturity, therefore, demands that you concentrate on becoming a better version of yourself because it is the only way to get the best of your spouse. Deep calling unto deep, therefore the better version of yourself will call out the better version of your spouse.

Marriage is a place of learning and development; it can expose you to your faults and shortcoming. One of the purposes of marriage is to give you a platform to develop, mature, and grow to be like Jesus. It all requires humility.

If you are humble, you can learn from anybody (including your spouse); you can also learn from any situation or circumstance. You can learn to love and you can learn to adapt and co-exist with anybody. Brain Tracy said that everything is learnable.

I want you to know that it is more rewarding to resolve a conflict than to dissolve a relationship. Remember, an unresolved conflict affects your fellowship with God; hinders your prayers from been answered, and above all steals your happiness; therefore, it is to your advantage that you master the skill of conflict resolution.

It is of equal importance to know that human beings are naturally self-centered creatures. If you want to have a good relationship in any area of your life, you must learn how to think less of yourself. Joyce Meyer said; “If we live a self-directed, self-motivated, self-centered life, always needing to get our way, then we’re going to be miserable. Many times we believe it’s our problems that are making us unhappy when, in reality, it’s because we’re focused on ourselves!

Second Cause Of Conflict: Pride.
Pride only leads to arguments, but those who take advice are wise. Proverbs 13:10 NCV.
Proud people get their feelings hurt easily. Before I go further, let me quickly inform you that pride is the root cause of all sins (Including unresolved conflict and broken relationships).

You can’t have a flourishing relationship if you are not intentionally dealing with the issue of pride in your life. Pride can simply mean the inability to identify or own up to your blind spot or weakness.

a) Deal with Your Blind Spot
Why, then, do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the log in your eye? 4 How dare you say to your brother, ‘Please, let me take that speck out of your eye,’ when you have a log in your eye? 5, You hypocrite! First, take the log out of your eye, and then you will be able to see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5 GNT

A blind spot is a weakness in your life that you cannot see or you are not aware that exists. Pride includes been ignorant or defensive of your fault and trying to correct other people of their fault.

God used this verse to deliver me and subsequently delivered my marriage when it was on the verge of total and disastrous collapse. I was always thinking that it was my wife that is the cause of the incessant conflict in our marriage.

Until one day out of desperation, I cried to God to help me and transform my wife and God shocked me by telling me that if I want a better marriage; if I want my wife to change that I should work on myself. He told me that if I can remove the log of wood in my eyes; then and only then I will begin to see the beauty and sweetness of my wife and consequently my marriage.

Until you deal with your blind spot (which pride has hidden from you) you will always have conflict in your relationship. Deal first with your fault and weakness before you can deal with that of another person. You can influence somebody to change but you cannot force any person to change.

These few questions will help you to locate your blind spot:
i. Can you easily say sorry to your partner even when you know that you are not at fault?
ii. Are you self-centered?
iii. Have you been unrealistic?
iv. How sensitive are you to the things that concern your partner?
v. Have been ungrateful?
vi. Are you over-demanding?
vii. Are you easily offended?
viii. Do you always feel like dominating your spouse?
ix. Are you difficult to please?
x. Is it easy for you to forgive or does it take time for you to forgive?
The secret of overcoming pride is to stop thinking first about yourself and concentrate on thinking about the good and the best of your partner. Above all, learn to say to your spouse; “am sorry, I think am been self-centered”.
These little exercises will help you to overcome pride, have victory over conflict, and then have a wonderful relationship (don’t forget that by your strength that you can make it, you need the help of the Holy Spirit),

“The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.”

William James

14 Personally, I’ve been completely satisfied with who you are and what you are doing. You seem to me to be well-motivated and well-instructed, quite capable of guiding and advising one another. Romans 15:14(MSG).

According to the Oxford English Reference Dictionary, to appreciate means’

1. Esteem highly
2. Value
3. Grateful for
4. Understand the importance
5. Rise in value

Marriage relationship gets better when spouses learn how to appreciate each other. If you sincerely want to see the best of your spouse, you must master the habit of appreciation. Professor William James the great American psychologist said that the greatest need of humans is to be appreciated at all times.

Studies has shown that people do more when they are appreciated, therefore if you want to get more from your spouse, if you want the best from your spouse, you must master the habit of appreciation. This sounds simple but it works like magic. This singular habit is my greatest weapon in this journey.

Human brain is wired to pick out things that are not right or errors. I found out from experience and study that many people are fault founders. I also found out that fault finding inhibits development and growth. Therefore, whenever you want to make correction or suggestion, start with appreciation. What this does is to put your partner in a relax and receptive mode then you can make your correction or suggestion. Don’t forget to do it in love.

For men, appreciate your wives always. Appreciate her make-up, her dress, hairstyle, her body, her baby carrying, her food, etc. (If you don’t do that, another man can do it to her and that can be dangerous). It is after appreciating her that you can make a correction or suggestion or give her advice.

This is also applicable to women. Don’t allow an outsider to do it for you. Learn to always appreciate your husband; he is your covering and your head. Appreciating your husband will boost his self-confidence; energize him and motivate him to go all out to please you.

 Effects Or Benefits Of Appreciation.

From the above dictionary definition of appreciation, I deduced some positive effects of appreciation on your partner. And I believe that you and your relationship has a lot to benefit from it.

1. It esteems your spouse, boasts his/her confidence, and eliminates all forms of the complex. It might interest you to know that high self-esteem and self-confidence are prerequisite for success. The success of your spouse will contribute to your success and that of the relationship.
2. It adds value to your spouse which will be beneficial to the marriage relationship. I don’t think you will like to be in relationship with any person who has low self-worth. Appreciation is the surest way to raise the value or self-worth of your spouse.
3. It brings gratitude into the relationship and gratitude is an action motivator therefore, appreciation motivates spouses to do more. This is one of the wonders of appreciation; it makes people to do more. An Igbo adage said; “If you appreciate or show gratitude to any person, that person will do more”. Therefore, if you want more from your spouse, you must master the habit of gratitude and appreciation.
4. Appreciation shows that you understand what your spouse did. It gladdens the heart of your spouse when he/she is appreciated. People dislike all forms of nonchalance from people they have something in common with. For example how will you feel as a woman that your husband came back from work, move to the dinning, eat your food and continue discussing with you without making any mention of the food?
5. It shows your spouse that you have placed him or her on a higher level of value. It is generally accepted that we appreciate what we value. And people also believe that those that value them are the people that appreciate them.

Appreciation makes your spouse feel respected, accepted, understood, and loved. Sometimes, my wife will ask me: “do you see my new hairstyle? I will say yes. Then she will ask me: “then what did you do?”  At this juncture, it will be done on me that I have not appreciated her new hairstyle. These kinds of omissions are not good for any marriage relationship.

But What If…?

If for instance, you don’t like the dress or the dressing or make-up of your spouse or anything else, this is how you go about it. Don’t start with outright criticism, correction, or condemnation; rather start with appreciation and tactfully bring out your point. The appreciation will make the heart of your spouse open and receptive to what you want to say which can be correction, suggestion, or advice.

People see criticism, correction or scudding as an infringement to their self-worth. This will be taken care of by appreciation. Criticism and correction triggers defensive mood; therefore don’t start with them. Start with appreciation, this will deactivate self-defense and activate receptive mood, create an enabling atmosphere for better discussion, Try and thank me later.

Let me conclude by saying that appreciation motivates for more; the more you appreciate the more you get and the better your partner becomes. For instance, if a wife appreciates a little gift as small as hair tie from her husband, she should rest assured that more gifts and presents will come from the husband.

Appreciate your husband; appreciate your wife. Though he/she has not met up to your expectation, continue appreciating him/her. Don’t forget that God told us not to despise the day of little beginning. It will get better if you continue to appreciate and never give up.

Appreciation draws out the best in your spouse. Appreciation is the lubricant of a relationship. Nothing will ever work well in any relationship where appreciation is absent.

Action Exercise.

What You Can Do Now

• Make a list of ten things you like about your spouse. Make sure it is not less than ten.
• Choose the one you like most.
• When was the last time you tell your spouse about it?
• Tell him/her about this two times every day.
• Tell your spouse something good in the morning.
• Tell your spouse something good in the night.
• Give your spouse a hug when any of you is living the house.
• Give your spouse a hug when any of you comes back to the house.